Do Not Go To The Dentist

A few weeks ago, I thought, “It’s been a year, I should figure out how to use my dental insurance and find a dentist.” My teeth didn’t hurt or anything; I just figured it would be a good idea to pay a visit. Big mistake. It turns out some old fillings needed fixed up, and I needed some deep cleaning, and I need a crown put on my tooth. Apparently a crown is not as cool as a grill, even though it sounds like it would be. This stuff is all expensive, doesn’t make you look hard, and hurts like hell. I highly recommend that you don’t ever go to the dentist.

This includes going there to get a grill. I asked my dentist and he said that I would need to go to a cosmetic dentistry place to get the dental mold. He wouldn’t do them because they can cause gum disease and bone loss, or some bullshit like that. Meanwhile, he’s all cool with drilling holes in my teeth and putting some stain in there, and making me bite pieces of paper. How is any of that more relevant than having some sweet shiny gold teeth with maybe a diamond or two up in there? Anyway, my point is, don’t bother going to the dentist. If you need a grill, just stop by one of those places at the mall and you get a fake one for like $15. No one will notice it’s not the real deal.

You should, however, make sure your teeth don’t stink and look all gross when you aren’t wearing your grill. I recommend chewing lots of gum. Get that minty kind that makes you feel “kinda like that”. Also toothpick out meat and stuff after meals. If your teeth get too yellow, just rough ‘em up with a bit of 350 grit sandpaper and gargle some vinegar mixed with white paint. Do not swallow.

There, that’s all you need. You don’t need some dentist telling you that you have to floss every day, and you don’t need someone poking around in your mouth with strange instruments. This will save you lots of money too, so feel free to PayPal me some money in appreciation for my good advice. Thank you.