Investment Advice

In such a rocky financial state our country is in, investments are still going strong. You just need to know how to properly invest. That’s what Your Matt’s here to help you with. Schools will teach you that the first rule of investing is to buy low and sell high. Fuck that. Roll up a fatty spliff and get ready to buy high and sell high, just like the big time Wall Street tycoons.

My friend Jesse once said he was going to scrape together all of his money and buy some CountryWide stock. That’s a big deal. If Jesse is willing to put all of his money into one thing, then it must be a good thing. I strongly urge everyone to purchase CountryWide stock.. whatever a stock is.

More importantly is that you have someone to make the hard decisions for you. For me, I live by the mantra of “What would Jesse do?” or WWJD for short. You should probably go with Mmmmmmmm… which stands for “My Matt miraculous makes me many mounds of money.” It’s easy to remember. Try saying it right now.

[image files/investments2.jpg]It’s important to understand that jobs don’t make you rich. Jobs make you enough to get by. Money makes you rich. So forget the job. Don’t go to work. It’s a waste of time. Take the money you have and get to investing. You’ll be rich in no time.

There are many ways to invest. There are so many, I get confused just thinking about it. There’s stocks and bail bonds and futures and commodities and mutual funds and savings accounts and… well that’s all of ‘em.

Personally, I stick to the Savings Account. I made upwards of $2.50 in interest alone last year! I didn’t do anything at all to get that money. It’s like stealing from the bank!

That’s not much, but the bank offers higher returns in other programs. With about $4, you can make thousands! And here’s how. You first need some investing supplies. Go to the dollar store and pick up a can of black spraypaint, a pair of panty hose, a cap gun, and a 6-pack of grape soda. Go home and crack open one of those grape sodas. They’re tasty. Spraypaint the cap gun. Make sure the orange is completely covered. Put the pantyhose over your head and go to the bank with cap gun in hand. Just go there. You will get top service. Other customers will let you to the front of the line, and the teller will hand you a couple thousand dollars, no questions asked. It’s crazy. It’s like stealing from the bank!

You could probably have them deposit the money directly to your savings account and you’ll get huge returns!

The only problem is that there’s very low resale value on your investing supplies. If you try to sell your equipment, you will get back less than what you paid. That’s bad. There are other things you can buy that you can later sell at a higher price. You can buy lemonade and sell glasses of it to people for profits. You can buy baby cattle and sell full grown cattle for larger profits. You can buy trunk loads of narcotics and sell to individuals for huge profits. This is illegal though, so I do not condone investments in narcotics. Still, the point is the same. You can buy and sell to make money.

Not everything requires any work on your part. You don’t have to make the lemonade, or grow the cattle or distribute the drugs. You can simply buy and then sell and make profit.

Look at Mr. T. He invested in gold. He was wearing gold chains in the 70’s, and now he’s in television commercials! He just bought and sold and it made him rich.. and famous! I wish WWMTD was catchy enough, because Mr. T would make a better financial mentor than Jesse would.

One important thing to look at when making this type of investment, is to look at the opportunity cost. Say I go to the store. Say I go to Costco. Say I see a 12oz. jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise for $3.50. Right next to that, there will be a 264oz. tub of the very same mayo for only $26. That’s comes out to something like 22 12oz. jars for the price of seven!! What a deal! Invest in a Costco card. Your very first purchase will pay for itself!

And that, my friends, is everything you need to know about investments. As a recap.. Buy high, sell high. Drink grape soda and buy lots of mayo. Mmmmmmmm….