Your Matt's Guide to Cats

Cats don’t come with owners manuals, so your Matt is here to give you all the info you need to know if you are thinking about getting a cat or need help with an existing cat.

I have much experience with cats. I don’t own one right now. Unfortunately my last cat, Tickles, was eaten by the neighbor’s dog. Man, I hate that dog. Tickles was a wonderful cat. She earned that name because she would always try to tickle me when I would try to pick her up. Those claws can be a bitch, though. Tickling equals scratching when we’re talking cats.

But I digress. Cat ownership can be summed up with a few simple rules:

• Feed and water your cat AT LEAST twice a week. It’s easier than feeding and watering a plant because you just put it in a bowl and the cat comes to it. Plus, plants don’t seem to digest the food. That shit just piles up. Cats will eat it.. unless it’s the wrong kind of food. I suggest using “Cat Food”. You can find it at most grocery stores in the pet care isle.
• Don’t pull your cat’s tail. Don’t tie its tail in a knot. Don’t carry a cat by its tail. It looks like a handle, but trust me, it’s not. Cats are sensitive about their tails.
• Talk to your cat.. a lot. I do this to my sister’s cat all the time. I say “MOW” and “Here Mitt-en” and “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Mitten?” I usually say the latter after the cat says something to me first. I don’t understand what cats are saying, nor can I pick it up from context like when I’m talking to someone that only speaks Spanish or something, but cats have a unique, pleasing accent. Talking back encourages your cat to talk more.
• If your cat tries to take a bite out of your leg, it’s just playing. Don’t kick the cat. Don’t yell at it. Play it cool. I like to rebutte by taking my belt and dangling the end down where the cat can bat it around. Cats like to bat belts. If you drag the end across the floor, it will usually try to catch it. It’s cool. Try it.
• Cats love bugs. If you don’t have any bugs that try to sneak into your home, you should go to the pet store and get some feeder bugs. These can be found in the reptile pen. Just bring them home and let ’em loose. The cat will find some of them. He, or she, will have minutes of fun with these little critters.
• Cats need at least one sandbox. They will use this to go number one and number two in. It sounds gross. You were probably made fun of when you were a child and went number two in the sandbox. It’s different for cats. It’s actually encouraged! Plus they bury it. Cats love sandcastles, too. You can make one together!
• Cat hair can be a problem. If you are allergic to cats, first and foremost, you should get a face mask. Not only will it protect you from those pesky allergens, it will also protect you from SARS. Hair can be unsightly and stick to your clothing. Although it may be the obvious solution, don’t shave your cat. It is a very difficult task and you will probably not be able to finish the job. As in my case, your sister may also be very angry with you for your attempt. Get a lint roller and use it on your furniture before guests come over.
• Unless properly trained, most cats will try to sharpen their claws on your furniture. I don’t even know how it sharpens them, but it does, and it can ruin your couch, chairs, refrigerator and/or your legs. Do not have your cat declawed. This is inhumane as the cat will be left with little natural defense. Get some electrical tape and make your cat some boots! It’s much cheaper and cute too.
• Do not let your cat near Filipinos.
• Lastly and most certainly not least, if your cat has babies, let their momma cat take care of them. These babies come out with teeth. Your nipples are much more tender than cat nipples are. Be forewarned.

Cat ownership can be a wonderful thing, but you need to take an active role as its owner. Follow these simple rules, and you could have as much as 60+ years of enjoyment with what could possibly be the biggest investment of your lifetime.