That Benjamin Franklin was Full of Shit, Man

Now that I’m officially an adult, it’s time to start getting serious about adult things. One big thing is money. I have not been great with money in the past. I did buy a house that has dropped to 1/3 of its value from just 2 years ago. My original loan was set up so that the first 10 years of payments would be nothing but interest. At one point, I had 3 cars to myself. I own 4 computers, several pairs of multi-hundred dollar pants, and I don’t bat an eye at a $12 six-pack of beer.

With a down economy, I can’t be blowing money like this anymore. I have to take responsibility and be aware that retirement will come before I know it. I could have a whole mess of children, and those children will require money. I need some savings and I need it fast.

Some people look for financial advisors when they get serious about savings. That’s stupid. Those people cost money. The point is to save it, not spend it on someone telling you how to save it.

I thought to myself, “Who is the best financial advisor I know of?” Now who of them would not charge me a thing? Answer: Benjamin Motha-Fuckin’ Franklin. His quotes are all over the Internet. He once said, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Now I think this is bullshit really. A penny worked for is a penny earned. If I hold onto it, it will just lose value as inflation continues. If I put it into a savings account earning 1% interest, it will turn into 2 pennies, but only after 72 years. A penny saved is a penny earned only after 72 years. Eff you, Benjamin Franklin.

Now good ol’ Ben Franklin is kindof like Ptolemy or Aristotle. They were wrong about pretty much everything, but they built a good foundation for others to get it right. I feel like I’m the one to build on Ben Franklin’s wrong ideas. He pushes savings, but he does it the wrong way with banks and stuff. Banks just take too long. It’s best to buy things that you can sell later for a higher amount. Things that don’t drop in value due to inflation. Things that gain value over time.

So here’s my plan. I will take 20% of each paycheck and use it for investing. I will buy watches from the guy in front of the gas station. I will buy baseball cards from garage sales. I will buy paintings by living artists, from the galleries down town.

Later on in life I can just sell these things off for many times more than what I paid, and I will have the cash to put my children through college, or buy a house boat to live on after I retire. This all starts with my next paycheck. Financial stability, here I come.